Breath related humor

My girlfriend and I traveled to an ashram in South India where a famous guru taught a group of young followers. One evening, my girlfriend and I consulted with the guru privately and asked for guidance. We told him shyly that we had difficulty agreeing on a contraceptive that suited us both.
The guru wobbled his head from side to side and said, “There is a special breathing method with which you can prevent pregnancy.”
I looked at my girlfriend with excitement and smiled. Being practical, I asked the guru: “Is it the man or the woman who should perform this special breathing?”
“It can be man or woman; you choose,” said the guru.
My girlfriend said: “To feel safe, I prefer to do this special breathing. But when should I do it—before, during, or after having sex?”
The guru replied: “Not before, definitely not during, and also not after; you should do this breathing instead of sexual activity.”

A crack in the wall between Heaven and Hell widened over the years. The people from Heaven politely asked the people from Hell to seal the crack, saying: “It’s difficult for us to breathe the air leaking in from your side. It smells bad, and people here have started coughing.”
The people from Hell replied: “If it bothers you, then you guys can seal the crack! We breathe this air and have no problem whatsoever.”
They argued back and forth until the people from Hell finally agreed to go to court to settle the matter. It was, of course, the people from Hell who won the case. Because the best lawyers resided in Hell.

On my recent trip to the Himalayan mountains, I noticed that many locals have big nostrils. I asked a local doctor if it had to do with the low oxygen levels at high altitudes. The doctor explained: “Nothing to do with oxygen levels; it’s because people here have thick fingers.”

I started believing that the great powers of breathwork could change my future. When I told my wife that it also started affecting my past, she suggested I go and talk to a shrink.

Two elephants saw a naked man walking in the jungle. One elephant said to the other with amazement: “How on earth can he breathe through that thing?”

Having a strong diaphragm muscle is important. I made a bet with a friend that I could maintain full diaphragmatic breathing with a 50kg (110lb) rice bag on my belly, and I won… The friend was not impressed with the emptiness of the rice bag, however.

Someone called from my bank’s security and fraud department and said: “I’m sorry to inform you, but it seems from recent bank withdrawals that your wife’s credit card got stolen.

I breathed a sigh of relief and told the bank official: “It’s OK; the thief will surely spend less than my wife does.
The official replied: “According to the pattern of withdrawals, it looks like the thief’s wife is using the card.”

When my grandfather was lying on his deathbed, faintly breathing, the family gathered around him. He opened one eye with great effort and asked: “Is Rachel here?”
“Of course, I’m here,” Rachel replied.
“Where’s David?” he asked with a fading voice.
David answered: “I’m here, right next to you.”
“And Dan?” he asked while gasping.
We replied, “All of us are here beside you.”
My grandfather suddenly opened his eyes widely, inhaled deeply, and asked loudly, “Then who is taking care of the shop!!!?”

A grandmother was walking leisurely with her grandchild on the beach. Out of the blue, a big wave came and swallowed the young boy. The shocked grandmother tried to see if she could spot the boy in the sea, but there was no sign of him. Her breathing turned rapid and shallow as she started to panic. Looking up to the sky she said: “God, please give me my grandchild back; I will do anything; I will be a good person; I will pray to you every day; please, please give me my grandchild back.”
As she was crying her heart out, suddenly, another big wave came carrying the grandchild back to shore. There he was, standing right beside her. The grandmother inhaled deeply, looked up to the sky, and shouted: “Excuse me, he had a hat on.”

I had been coughing for quite a long time. Finally, my lungs were scanned at the hospital, and I was called in to get a diagnosis. I walked into the medical specialist’s room, and after I sat down, the doctor said, “I have good news and bad news.”
Of course, I asked for the good news first. The doctor said, “They’re going to name a lung disease after you.”

Last week, I wrote to the tax office: “I feel guilty and have difficulty breathing because of cheating on my taxes; I underreported my income. Enclosing a check for $1200. If my breathing problem continues, I will send the rest.”

I was holding my breath when I read in the newspaper that a ship carrying twenty tons of yo-yos sank into the ocean eleven times.

All my life, I thought air was free—until I bought a bag of potato chips.

I told this lawyer, whom I met at a party, that people keep asking me annoying questions on how to improve their breathing during social events. I asked him if he had the same problem with people seeking free legal advice.
The lawyer said: “Yes, it happens to me all the time.”
I asked: “So, what do you do?”
He replied: “Well, I send them bills.”
I complimented the lawyer: “Excellent idea!”
Three days later, I got an email with a bill.

A man was running like crazy in a Middle Eastern country known for its strict laws. A friend stopped him and asked, “Why are you running in such horror?”
The runner had difficulty catching his breath and replied as his chest moved unsteadily, “They just legislated a new law; they are going to throw in jail people with three testicles.”
The friend said: “But you have only two.”
The runner replied: “These guys first cut, then they count.”

Husband: “It feels painful every time I take a breath.”
Wife: “I’ve told you a thousand times, stop doing whatever brings you pain.”

A burglar broke into our house and drew a circle on the floor with a piece of chalk. He then commanded my wife and me, “Get into the circle and stay there. The only thing you’re allowed to do is breathe; otherwise, it’s the end of you!”
The burglar quickly collected the valuables from our home and escaped. Soon after he left, my wife screamed at me: “Why didn’t you do anything?”
I said in my defense: “What do you mean I didn’t do anything! Didn’t you see how many times I took my foot out of the circle?”

When I was young, the air was clean, and at the workplace, it was okay to make dirty remarks; now it’s the other way around.

A Zebra showed up at my ‘drop-in’ breathing workshop. During the break, I went up to the Zebra and said, “Wahoo, it’s the first time I’m seeing a Zebra doing breathwork.” The Zebra replied, “With the prices you charge, it’ll probably be your last.”

Practicing breathwork, intensively moving my belly back and forth, I often release winds of elimination (farts). This is probably a prompt reminder that happiness comes from within.

An older couple died in a car accident and went up to Heaven. The angel in charge of accommodation showed them their new residence. It was a fancy villa with a beautiful garden and a large swimming pool. After settling down, the husband said to his wife: “You and your breathing exercises; we could have been here ten years ago.”

When preparing for meditation, it’s essential to calm down. So, first, I inhale deeply through my nose. Then, I hold my breath for about three seconds and very, very slowly let go of my mobile phone.

Once they finished operating on my nasal septum, I was sent to the recovery room. Shortly after, I informed the doctor that I was feeling well and was ready to go home. He replied, “Relax. Breathe deeply and stay calm; you’re still not ready to get the bill.”

My wife made a reverse parking maneuver three weeks ago and heard an intense banging noise. On stepping out of the car, she saw an older man lying behind with the exhaust pipe stuck in his chest, puncturing his lung. She said to the man: “Oh, I’m so so sorry; does it hurt?”
The old man replied, “Not at all, it only hurts when I laugh.”

Before going to the supermarket, my wife asked me if I needed anything. I said, “Yes, get me that thing that makes every breath I take exhilarating and full of joy.”
She replied curtly: “Please be a bit more specific—red or white wine?”

See more breath-related humor in the book Extra Ordinary Breathing Tools…